Our friend Kelly posted an excellent link to a post on addiction.
The idea of good times of wallowing my mind and soul into a cesspool of drugs and booze... I confess, I don't get it.
I've never been attracted to booze, drugs or anything that alters my state of conscience (even a smidge).
I like rolos, M&Ms and cupcakes a little too much and know well the struggle with sin, so I understand enjoying stuff that isn't all that good for your health, so I am surely not claiming moral superiority. It's all concupiscence.
This post really got to me.
Today, I’m going to thank Phillip Seymour Hoffman for dying.
I mean that sincerely. I am grateful to him. For the witness he provides me of the ruthless consequences of surrendering again to the smoldering hell I cradle in my mind, in my body, probably in my genes. I thank Mr. Hoffman for the prematurity of his passing. For the sundered lives he leaves behind. For the uncompleted art and all the things we knew he had to share. We all have those things. Each of us is an ember in someone else’s fire.
There is no guarantee in sobriety. I can’t know that I will never drink again. I am a man with fault like scrimshaw muraling my bones. But I rarely feel further from a drink than when I watch someone I admire return to the mouth of the bottle. To die there, squalid; stripped of dignity and lost to shame. Especially because I know, lips to marrow, I know the seduction and compulsion to which I will inevitably return without the daily maintenance of my sobriety. Because to me, to us, we alcoholics, we addicts, a dark intoxicated death is not such a horrible thing to contemplate. It often sounds better than breath and sunlight.
Thank you, Mr. Hoffman, for reminding me the end I will all too easily return to seeking. Thank you for the gift of your relapse. For dying. For an hour of gratitude for the clarity of my vision, the steadiness of my hand.
“In the inner heart of every person the voice of God and the insidious voice of the Evil One can be heard. The latter seeks to deceive the human person, seducing him with the prospect of false goods, to lead him away from the real good that consists precisely in fulfilling the divine will.” Pope John Paul II